The How’s and Why’s of he/she/they and more

*This blog entry is the first in a series that will be written by Trident’s first intern, Mauricio Zorzan

By now, everyone has heard of the importance of addressing someone by their accurate pronouns, whether this is in the workplace, school or a social setting. Not assuming a person’s gender identity, but rather asking and using the correct pronouns has become common courtesy and shows respect towards whom you are addressing. It is important to note the distinction between gender identity and sex. The latter refers to biological characteristics while the first refers to socially constructed characteristics. But someone who identifies as cis (short for “Cisgender” and describes a person whose gender identity corresponds to their sex assigned at birth) may be confused as to why some find this practice to be so important. As an illustration let’s consider this situation:

You meet a new colleague at work. They introduce themselves to you as Jacob. You’re a little surprised, because they look like an Edward to you — but it doesn’t matter since you’re open-minded. When you see them, you accidentally call them Edward — first in passing, then at a staff meeting without them around. When someone points out your mistake,  you apologize, but then you start to get a little annoyed. You just can’t wrap your head around it. Later you complain to your colleague, “I mean, I don’t get the big deal. They look like an Edward, and they knew what I meant.”

This may seem like a ridiculous situation but it boils down the essence of the issues with assuming another person’s gender identity. While many different kinds of identities (whether gender, sexuality, disability status, etc.) can be assumed, we should always strive to not make these assumptions. It doesn’t matter how we perceive someone, but rather how the person actually identifies.

Personally, as a cis male I didn’t encounter the common use of pronouns until college. It was something I had to get the hang of initially as we were encouraged  to state our pronouns whenever we were introduced in class.

The first person I personally knew who had a different gender identity was one of my suitemates, who used they/them pronouns (Let’s call them John for anonymity). In one of our night suite hangouts, John revealed to us that they only use they/them pronouns with people they are close to and still used he/him in contexts like class. This was because John was still insecure about having a different gender identity than the majority of people and that was why they only used they/them pronouns in comfortable settings. It was great that John confided in us about such a personal topic and that was why I promised to try my best to correctly address them. 

During one of our card games, which became a suite tradition, another of our suitemates who used he/him pronouns (Let’s call him Alan) asked the group whose turn it was. I noted it was John’s turn and said “It’s theirs.” Alan looked at me confused as he didn’t understand I was just using John’s pronouns and rather thought I was referring to a non-existent group of people instead. I could see John was disappointed; after all, Alan was one of the people they opened up to about their gender identity. Again, I said “It’s theirs”, this time pointing to John. Alan this time understood and John gave me the faintest smile. 

While I was able to use John’s correct pronouns in this scenario there were still a few times where I slipped up and referred to them as he or him. It was still ingrained in me to use the traditional gender binary to refer to people and to this day it is something that I always have to keep in mind. Whenever this did happen, I would just quickly catch myself, apologize and correctly use the right pronoun. Living and interacting with someone with a different gender identity than myself was something that I needed to adjust to initially, but it also taught me to be more considerate to others. Just taking an extra moment to remember someone’s accurate  pronouns or correct myself if I misspeak doesn’t cost me anything at all and it helps someone else feel accepted and comfortable to be themselves.

How does one feel when their pronouns are incorrectly used? It’s been shown that, whether intentional or not, using the wrong pronouns can be hurtful, angering, and even distracting. Some might find it equivalent to being told they do not matter or deserve respect. Invalidating someone’s identity puts a strain on how a person moves about in society and how that individual interacts with others. It is best to make sure they feel no shame in regards to  their gender identity so that they can feel accepted as well.

The experience of accidentally misgendering someone can be embarrassing for all parties, creating tension and leading to communication breakdowns across teams and with customers or clients.

So what are the best steps you can take whenever you want to address someone’s gender identity correctly?

• Don’t assume another person’s gender or gender pronouns

You can’t always know what someone’s gender pronouns are by looking at them, by their name, or by how they dress or behave. That would be the same as guessing everyone’s name and assuming you are correct. 

• Ask a person’s gender pronoun

When in doubt. asking about and correctly using someone’s gender pronouns is an easy way to show your respect for their identity. Ask a person respectfully and privately what pronoun they use. A simple “Can I ask what pronoun you use?” will usually suffice. While some might feel like this is weird to ask, this is only because you are not used to asking it. This should be as common as asking someone’s name when you meet them, since both their name and pronouns are how they are identified.

• Share your own gender pronoun

The best way to normalize the sharing of gender pronouns is by actively sharing your own. Even if you feel like it is obvious and unnecessary, including your pronouns after your name in your signature, on your social media accounts or when you introduce yourself in meetings helps normalize the sharing of gender pronouns. This can be particularly helpful to people who use pronouns outside of the binary and shows your support towards them.

• Apologize if you call someone by the wrong pronoun

Even if we try our best to always use everyone else's correct pronouns, mistakes happen and it can be difficult to adjust to using pronouns we may be less familiar with. If you accidentally misgender someone, apologise and continue the conversation using the correct pronoun. It’s best not to make a big spectacle about your error since it may appear that someone else using different pronouns is unusual and therefore an error needs to be corrected in a manner that treats the use of pronouns as unusual. Correcting yourself in passing shows how normal it is for another person to have different pronouns and it demonstrates that what matters is using the correct terms, even if you forget in one instance.

• Avoid binary-gendered language

Avoid addressing groups as “ladies and gentleman”, “boys and girls” or “guys and gals” and address groups of people as “everyone”, “colleagues”, “friends” or “students”. The most common way my suite would address everyone was by using “y’all”. 

• Help others

Help others use a person’s correct pronouns. If a colleague, employer or friend uses an incorrect pronoun, correct them, especially if the other person isn’t around. Using someone’s correct pronouns should not be limited to only whenever they’re around but rather in any context where they are brought up.

• Practice!

Lastly, if you’ve not used gender-neutral pronouns like “they” before, give yourself time to practise and get used to them. My biggest issue was conjugating verbs that matched the correct pronoun. Saying “they have just won the card game” when only referring to one person may seem unfamiliar at first, but it’s something we can all adapt to start saying.

While all these tips don’t cover everything regarding gender identity, following them is a step towards a more inclusive and respectful environment. While not all of us may value our gender identity equally, it costs nothing to show respect to others by both sharing our own pronouns and correctly using others’ pronouns. There is really no reason to not use and respect another person’s pronouns, even if it is something we may not be used to. And as the world changes and becomes more inclusive, we must also contribute to this change by doing our part, since at the end of the day all of us will benefit from a more accepting society.